You meet Mr Right, fall in love, get married and everything is suppose to fall into place right? WRONG. Marriage is work. I used to think it was hard work, too hard actually, and thought I needed to get out because it wasn’t suppose to be that hard with someone you love. After 11 years, 1 daughter ( now a son on the way) and 2 separations I now don’t think its THAT hard. We actually have a wonderful marriage that’s possibly even better than when we first got married. Having a positive mindset changed all of that!
I want to share something that turned everything around for me. It took 2 separations and over 5 years to figure out actually, and I don’t want that to happen for anyone else. It’s your mindset. Yes. But, it goes so much deeper than a having a positive one. So deep that I might not be able to cover everything in this one blog. How you view your marriage is so important. How you speak of it is just as important. Here’s my top list on how to transform your marriage with a positive mindset.
- Make a list of the qualities or things you love or appreciate about your spouse and the marriage. Now make another list of things that you wish the marriage possessed or qualities that you would like to see more of in your spouse. The first list creates awareness and appreciation of what you already have and the second is where the positive mindset comes in. If you are a spiritual person, you know that God or the God of your own understanding has the power to move mountains and that power is already residing in you. You just have to pray, believe, and visualize it.
- Put to rest your old thoughts. What I mean by that is, when I decided to move back home after the second separation, hesitation crept back in. The past was haunting me of repeating the same pattern. Reliving what our lives used to be like scared me big time. So I turned my focus forward. I focused on the new thoughts I had for my marriage and relationship and I envisioned a brand new life with my husband. This wasn’t a simple task but the more I did it, the more my brain was being told a different story( if you know anything about the brain, its super important to retrain the brain of old patterns and ways of thinking.)
I know this might not look like much, but its extremely powerful stuff. The power of your thinking and having a positive mindset has the ability to transform so many things in your life, not just your marriage. My list I had for my spouse came true. Everything on it all the way down to his beard! I became a fan of beards and he was never allowed to have facial hair with his past job. The only time he had scruff was on vacation. Through a series of God experiences, he lost his job, I moved back home, and he ended up growing a beard! I smile every time I think about how my list became my reality. Now I do want to share some extra tips that I learned throughout the numerous marriage counseling sessions we went to ( I guess some of them did pay off).
- Date your spouse!! You did fun and adventurous things before you got married so don’t stop now that you have other commitments! I would recommend getting out of the house if that is possible but whats most important is that you are spending one on one time doing something fun and engaging.
- Hug it out. Body chemistry changes when you hug your loved one. Not just a quick hug but a long lingering one. Have you ever noticed how you feel after you hug your husband or wife? Try it.
- Meet your spouse at THEIR level of need, not yours. If you don’t know what their needs are and what makes them feel special or loved, find out! Early on in my marriage my husband didn’t understand that quality time was important to me. When I wanted company running errands, he thought it was pointless and unnecessary. Now, he knows and he does it with me all the time. We get to both take our daughter to school most mornings and I enjoy that time( although that might change with #2 on the way).
- Communicate EVERYTHING to your spouse. I failed to speak up the first few years of our marriage on how I was really feeling and then I found myself at the end of my rope. And let me tell you, its very very hard to climb back up once you’ve reached the end! Be open and raw with your husband or wife because that’s the one person you can and should be transparent to!
I will more than likely be sharing more on relationships and the power of our mindsets but until then, I surely hope this is helpful. It helped revive my broken marriage that I didn’t think was fixable. It not only repaired it but made it a completely brand new one within itself! Reach out if you have any comments or questions!